I got this e-mail last night:

Dear Anna,

Congratulations! Jen here, and your blog, Anna Light Ministries, is a
Master Blog of Women in Ministry!

We’ve scoured the web looking for amazing blogs that not only are great in
content, but informative and helpful when needed.  And we’ve determined your
blog to be such!  We like to call it a Master of its category!

You can see your blog and others right here

Click on the link and see who’s number 4! Pretty cool.  Thanks for making my little corner of the world a place others feel is worth knowing about.

Saturday was our one year anniversary. Cody treated me to a day at the spa, some shopping and my favorite: Sushi.

We were seated at a popular Sushi place in downtown Oklahoma City, next to a table with another couple. As we put in our drink order, and waited, and then finally put in our appetizer order, and waited, we noticed our waiter was a little distracted. Amidst our conversation we observed him as he waited on both our table and the one next to us. It was clear the man seated at the table next to us was not a happy customer. More than once he sent something back to the kitchen and even the manager came out and talked to him and his lady mid way through the meal.

First of all, he ordered steak. I mean, you don’t go to a sushi bar and order steak. Who does that? But that’s not what I’m getting at. As we watched this little episode unfold it was apparent that we had been forgotten.

Complainers get more attention.

Now, I’m all for good service, and good food, and I understand if you’re not satisfied with your experience you want someone to know. But from where we were sitting it didn’t seem like this guy was complaining because of the service. That waiter seemed to be at his beck and call. It didn’t look like his food was wrong–unless the steak tasted fishy (it’s a sushi restaurant!) what it looked like to me, was this guy and his lady were complaining just to complain. Every time the waiter would leave their table they would laugh quietly like the waiter was the dumbest guy in the world. This man even went so far to send back a knife that wasn’t to his liking.

Meanwhile, we’re trying to pay the check without a pen, feeling sorry for our poor waiter the whole time.

Complainers get more attention. Why is that? Why do we allow the naysayers to dictate where we spend our time and energy?

As I thought about this on the way home that night I realize the same is also true in our lives. When we find out someone doesn’t like us, what do we have the tendency to do? Spend the time and energy figuring out why they don’t like us.

I run into this problem a lot working in ministry. If I’m not careful I could spend most of my time with the people who are unhappy about something in the ministry and leave those who would bend over backwards for it in the dark. I learned a leadership principal early on that says to spend 80% of your time with your best players, customers, or volunteers and just 20% of your time with the complainers.

This might be a good concept for people waiting tables. After all, those complainers aren’t going to leave a good tip anyway. And if you leave your other customers to fend for themselves, they won’t either.

In the end, no matter how hard you spin your wheels to try to win over the complainers, while leaving your fans in the dust, you may never get there, and then you’ve lost both.

I wrote a post a couple weeks ago called “Development–The Fine Art of Telling People They Suck.” Then a friend of mine, @jeremydbaldwin, asked if I would write a follow up post about what to do if you are on the receiving end of that development. I thought it was a great idea so I bring you this:

What to do when You’re Told “You Suck”

Now, that’s putting it pretty harsh. I hope the people around you who are developing you are a little more tactful than that, but even if they’re not, having constructive criticism is an important part of our development.

I read somewhere that feedback is the number one motivator of people. Without feedback how do we expect to get better at anything? I’m pretty passionate about development, not only helping others develop but making sure I’m getting developed as well, so since Jeremy has been on the receiving end of some of my development, and because I’m always looking to be on the receiving end of development, I’d like to bring you 3 things to always do when you’re told “You Suck.”

1. Put Your Pride to Bed. Let’s be honest, we all need improvement. None of us are perfect at what we do, and if you think you are, you need more development than you think. Lay down the pride and ask a few trusted people to speak honestly into your life. Make sure you have people around you who will develop you. If you want to develop in a certain area, ask them to observe you in this specific area and then give you feedback.

2. Listen. Now, it’s also important that you listen to the feedback they give you. The quickest way to go no where is to do nothing with the constructive criticism that is given to you.

3. Don’t Take it Personal. Actually, take it as a compliment. If someone is giving you feedback it means they believe in you. They know you can be better and they are willing to spend time and energy investing in you to pull out your full potential. When someone wants to give you feedback, don’t get defensive. It is for your good.

What do you do when you’re told “You Suck”?

I work in an environment of development. What does that mean? It means that almost every conversation that goes on is about how to be better. How to be a better pastor, a better communicator, a better organizer, a better connector. How do we make our teams better? How can we do what we did last year better? It is a constant thought and something that really propels the ministry forward.

The hard part is when it comes to development of people. As leaders, developing people is a fine line one must walk across. I have been in dozens of conversations surrounding the “development” of another individual.

“If they would just not do this, then…”

“If they knew how they were around people, don’t you think they’d…”

“That person… they have no clue.”

But in the back of my mind I can’t help but think: If we are leading these people should’ve we give them a clue? If I was the individual, and my leader knew something that could help me, I would want to know, wouldn’t you? I mean, if it’s our job as leaders to develop and help others become better as we allow others to help us become better, shouldn’t we be saying something? Should we, in love, be bringing some kind of self-awareness to certain individuals who display a lack of development? This is tough. I mean, you can’t just walk up to someone and point out their flaws.

I’ve observed both the positive and negative outcomes of this fine art of development and have come to understand at least two things. When you’re in a position to bring about development in someone you must first:

• Establish a trusting relationship with that person. Your title alone will not help you in the tediousness of the conversation. You must build a healthy, trusting relationship before you have the permission to say anything.

The second observation I’ve made is that:

• It takes time. Don’t expect to see a change in someone over night. When you bring awareness to someone it will take time for it to fully take root. Development is an oven not a microwave.

Above all, I have understood that you can’t really develop someone unless they WANT to be developed. They have to possess a teachable heart and a willingness to learn. They have to be willing to lay down their pride and admit they don’t know everything.

What a better place to find those traits in practice, than in the people who lead them.

10. Don’t forget an extra bra if you are going into the baptism pool!

9. Never say “Period” “Tampon” or “Menstrual Cycle” in the office.

8. Always have someone else with you when you pray with the opposite sex!

7. Keep a bottle of Aleve or IB-prophen in your desk.

6. When you make a call and a woman answers and you ask for her husband, be sure to say you’re from the church!

5. If you’re on the first day of your period, it’s probably better just to stay home.

4. Whatever you do, try NOT to cry when discussing things with your boss or fellow co-workers.

3. If you’re single, men may find you intimidating. If you’re married, or in a serious relationship, he must be a strong guy!

2. Don’t take things personally. They never are!

And the # 1 thing to know if you’re a woman pastor…

1. Don’t kiss random strangers in Brick Town… it could come back to haunt you!