Posts Tagged ‘Insecurity’
We’ve talked a lot about how our insecurity holds us back from being the person God created us to be, but have you ever considered that our insecurity might also hold back those closest to us? Consider for a moment that your insecurity might be holding back your husband (married or not, stay with me.)
If you’re married think about this: The old ball and chain might not be marriage itself, but marriage to a woman who is insecure.
Let’s say your husband works in a place where there are a lot of pretty women. If you are constantly insecure about your husband being around those pretty girls, soon you’re going to say something. At first it might be a passing comment to see if he’s noticed, but if you’re nagging insecurities aren’t satisfied, your comments, or demands might get much worse.
“I don’t want you having lunch with those women, or be alone with them… You need to be careful around them because you’re married. What if you started spending more time with one of them and then you cheated on me!”
First of all, I realize this may be a little extreme, but if you’re not saying it out loud, you’re probably thinking it in your head. And we all know that the battle for overcoming insecurity is often won and lost in our minds. Secondly, I need to remind us all that even suggesting to our husbands that they might be less than faithful is like a punch in the gut. Has he noticed the pretty ladies in his office? Probably. He’s a guy. Has he thought about having an affair with one of them? NO! Well, at least not until you mentioned something about it.
What has your insecurity done? Nothing positive.
A. You’ve: insulted your husband’s faithfulness by giving into the enemy’s fear that your husband is going to abandon you,
B. You’ve put yourself down by comparing your beauty to another women–a woman your husband is not married to, but works with everyday.
C. You’ve injected doubt and worry into your mind like a syringe and now every time your husband leaves for work, you wonder… but above all, you’ve
D. Put thoughts into you husbands mind that might not have been there before. How is he going to act around the office now? Cautious? Unsure? Distracted? Held back?
That is just one of many examples I will write about for space and time sake. But let me talk briefly to my single ladies.
Single ladies: you’re insecurity is holding back your husband. Now, I understand about God’s perfect timing and brining Mr. Right along should be out of your hands and firmly placed in God’s, but ask yourself this question: Might God be waiting on you to learn a few things before He brings along Mr. Right? Are there some insecurities that are holding back that moment when you and your husband-to-be will meet for the first time? This was true in my own life as I look back on almost a year of marriage. I can honestly say, my insecurities were definitely holding back that beautiful moment when I first met my husband. So what should you do? Get to work!
A. Find out what those things are that are holding you back from being you.
B. Ask a trusted friend to be honest with you about what they see in your life that could be a stumbling block to the next chapter unfolding.
C. Don’t let yourself or the next stage of your life be held back by your insecurities.
Your Insecurity is Holding Back Your Husband–it’s time to let them both go.
This is your heart. I have a few words I’d like to share with you. I’ve been thinking about this long and hard and finally decided it was time things changed. First of all, you should know, I’m not mad, I just feel like you need to know some things, because maybe if you know them you can do something to stop them.
The first thing I’d like to bring to your attention is the way you constantly compare us to every other woman we come across. Do you know what this does to me? It kills me! We are unique and beautiful in our own way. We have our own set of strengths and weaknesses, struggles and victories. No one else is like us. When you compare you are diminishing any sense of individualism we have. We were made incomparable to anyone or anything. Please, if it’s possible, when you feel the urge to compare, remember me. I love the way we are. I love how we were made. Do you not?
Another thing I’d like to bring to your attention is the way you often put us down with our words. Not only with our words, but also our thoughts. Yes, I hear those too. They wound me deeper and deeper every time we think them. Those words are like a dagger, slicing through my flesh with the intent to kill. Why do you want to put us down? What value does it bring?
Also, there’s another thing that drives me crazy. When we hold ourselves back from things it’s all I can do not to shout and scream to get your attention. I want to play the games, I want to be a part of the conversations, I want to make our voice known, but every time we shrink back into the dark, a little bit of us dies. What is keeping us from being bold? Know one cares! I need some light. I need some air. Won’t you let me come out and show the real us?
I am your heart. I am what makes us woman. If you take care of me, I will take care of you. If you give me a chance I will swell inside you and become stronger, fiercer, more powerful, than you can imagine. Dear woman, I am your heart. It’s time to let me lead.
If you’re anything like me, giving up control can be a difficult thing. When we got married, Cody took over our finances. I was always better with money, in my opinion, but I realized this was an area I should let my husband oversee. As frightening as it was at first, since my husband thinks the Apple store is more like a candy store, I let go. My confidence in his ability to oversee our resources brought more respect to him than anything I could say in words.
But it was more than confidence that allowed me to take my hands off the steering wheel, and let him drive. It was trust. I trusted my husband to take care of us, to make sure we were tithing, giving, saving, paying off debt, and paying bills on time. This trust didn’t come overnight. It was built overtime. It was built through love.
Trust is the antidote for control. When we learn to trust God with our lives we will realize we need to give up our elusion of control. He’s ultimately in control of our lives anyway, but he’s a gentleman. He will wait, patiently for us to realize his rightful place in our lives.
But how do we get to a place where we trust God? I mean, trust Him completely, with every aspect of our lives. Well, it takes time, but not just time like the span of a couple years, it takes time spent, time spent and invested in Jesus and your relationship with him. Cody and I didn’t just date for a year, we spent time together, everyday of that year, getting to know each other’s hearts, minds, dreams, fears, strengths and weaknesses.
The more time you spend with Christ, the more you’ll learn to trust Him. You will begin to see that He always has your best interest in mind. You might even see that in his love, he withholds the things we’ve been trying to control until we learn to submit under his leadership.
Trust is the antidote for control. So let me ask you: Do you trust Him? Do you trust that He knows what is best for you? Are you willing to give up the control and allow Him to do miraculous things in your life? When you are, you will walk into a life free from the worry of control, a life full of trust.
Share your thoughts on trust, in the comments below.
It all started back when wearing fig leaves was cool, back when Adam and Eve and their choice to eat the infamous forbidden fruit caused our demise. We’ve all heard the story before: the rebellious woman ate the fruit and gave some to her passive husband. If you’ve read any John Eldridge books you’re familiar with the fall of man and what it has done to the hearts and minds of men and women since that moment. What’s interesting to me, if you continue to look at women throughout the Bible, you’ll often find a controlling tendency under the innocence.
Take a look at Sarah, Abraham’s wife. Since she thought she was barren, she took it into her own hands to make sure her husband had a child. She gave her maidservant to her husband and they had a child. But was that God’s original plan?
What about Rebekah, Isaac’s wive? Wanting her favorite son to have the father’s blessing, she disguised Jacob and sent him to his father once Esua was out hunting.
Rachel, Jacob’s wife was barren. In her fear and worry, she demanded he give her a son. When she still could not conceive she too gave her maidservant to her husband to bare a child.
Where does this need for control come from? I believe that every woman who has a tendency to control fears something. Fear is the fuel behind control. Show me a woman who controls and I will show you a woman who fears something.
The single woman who tends to always control the relationships she’s in fears being alone. The problem is, the more she controls, the more destruction she brings to those relationships.
The wife who controls her husband fears that one day he will leave her. The problem is, the more she controls, the more he may want to leave her!
The woman who controls her children either fears that they won’t turn out right, or that something bad might happen to them. The problem is, the more she controls, the greater the risk of them rebelling, or growing up without a mind of their own.
Fear fuels our need for control. It is the root of control. Insecurity–not being sure, certain or secure, makes us do things that are not healthy for our relationships. Tomorrow, we will look at the antidote for control.
Until then, share your thoughts on fear. What do you fear? Do you find that you try to control things because of your fear? Think back over the last month. Have you tried to control situations, people, outcomes? Why? What is the root of your fear?
Control. It’s a funny thing. Elusive, though it may be, the minute we think we have it, is probably the minute it couldn’t be farther from our grasp. When we think we have it we feel a sense of security. But if we were to take the rose-tinted glasses off, we’d realize it is a false security, one that only hushes the whines of our worries for a brief moment. Control is the daughter of insecurity. And buying into the lie that we are in control will only keep the chains of insecurity wrapped tightly around us.
As women, control is our security blanket. If we think we’re in control than we feel better about the situation. If we know we’re not in control, we will do anything to try and take it back. A few “hypothetical” stories will help us grasp a better understanding and might shed some light on our own tendancies to take control.
There was a woman I once knew who was so controlling she repelled everyone around her. Her children were the main recipients of her controlling behavior, however her controlling nature always found a way to overflow into the other relationships around her. As a successful business woman she used the thing she felt would bring her the most security: money. She used money to control those around her, including her children, friends, friends of her children and anyone she felt like she needed to control. This woman never smiled.
Early in my marriage I noticed I would often use my emotions to try and make my husband do what I wanted. I quickly found out, he wasn’t falling for my covert manipulation. When I realized this was a form of control and ultimately a form of insecurity I had to do some soul searching. Since then I always check myself to make sure I’m not using my tears, anger, or silence to control my husband and make him do what I want.
If control is the daughter of insecurity than worry and fear are the sisters of control. These illegitamate children of insecurity must be stopped. In the next few posts we’ll be taking a more in depth look at why we feel the need to control, and the andadote for taking care of our controlling tendancies.
In the mean time, share your thoughts on the subject of control. Do you find yourself trying to control people around you? Where does this need come from? How does this affect your relationships?
Freedom from insecurity is a lot of work. Probably more work than you’re willing to give. The easy thing is to stay insecure and never allow yourself to break out of the chains that bind you.
Here are 5 sure-fire ways to make sure you always stay insecure.
5. Be a self-centered person. Always think everything is about you.
4. Worry constantly about what others are thinking of you. (Afterall, since it’s all about you, they are always thinking about you.)
3. Put others down any chance you get. If you don’t feel secure, no one else should.
2. Never believe or speak positively about yourself–you wouldn’t want people thinking you are prideful.
And the number one way to always make sure you’re insecure:
1. Believe every lie that comes your way. If you’re thinking it, it must be true.
Follow these simple steps to ensure that you will never find freedom from insecurity.
Have you ever seen that reality show, where they gather the most beautiful girls from all over America? I think it was called “Beauty from the Inside, Out.”
They tell these girls that they are in a contest to see who is the most beautiful. What the contestants don’t know is that the show is really about their inner beauty.
The show sets up scenarios that unknowingly tests the girl’s character. Scenarios range from helping an elderly man into a cab, to helping a lost child find his mother, and everything in between. When these girls get eliminated from the contest, they bring them in and show them footage of how they acted in these scenarios. Let me tell you, most of it was not what you’d call “beautiful”.
My co-workers were talking about the show yesterday and it got me to thinking how much attention our society puts on outward beauty. The sad part is, if we’re not intentional, we let society decide what is important for us. I noticed this happening in my own life recently.
For the past month I have been working my booty off at the gym. I worked out for nine days straight one week, most of those days I was doing two, 1 hour workouts. I was killing myself because I knew bathing suit weather was just around the corner. Many of those days, if I didn’t have enough time to squeeze in my workout and my Bible reading, it was the Bible reading that got skipped. I know I started to drive my husband crazy when every other conversation we had was something about my body or how unhappy I was with how I looked. I even started comparing myself to every skinny, beautiful girl I saw, letting my inner dialogue take me to a place I’m not proud to share. I was getting off track, following a path that only led to disappointment and discontentment.
I tell you this for many reasons. A. It’s cheaper than therapy. B. I want to show you how caught up I got in what the world has labeled “beautiful,” and hope that we can drop the the masks for a bit and find some common ground.
We have to take back the lie that says Only Ugly Girls Talk About Inner Beauty and realize that we will never be satisfied striving for the perfect image. We must except the truth that we’ve already been given the perfect image if we are living in Christ’s. Yes, I know we’ve all heard this before, but don’t you think it’s because it might be true? Beauty from the outside only lasts as long as your money holds out. Beauty from the inside is a priceless gem that if truly sought for, will last well past your life.
When will we stop putting the focus on what only goes skin deep and start purposefully growing our beauty from the inside out? I’m starting now.
Have you ever felt threatened by someone? I’m not talking about the feeling you might get if someone were to break into your house, or if someone got up in your face and acted like they were going to hit you. I’m talking about threatened in a more subtle sense. I’m talking about the kind of threatening that awakens our insecurities.
I was at a graduation party yesterday for a student leaving for college in August. All her friends were there celebrating around food, cake and punch. I sat on the couch visiting with some friends when a couple of high school girls walked into the room. These girls were gorgeous! Bleach blonde hair, tan, perfect bodies and they were dressed very stylish in the newest summer trends. These girls came to sit on the same couch and immediately I felt threatened. Why? Because my insecurities were awakened when I compared myself. In my eyes I didn’t measure up to these girls. I have 15 pounds on them! I was wearing a Wal-Mart dress! I couldn’t compete with such beauty. I felt threatened.
What about things other than beauty? I knew a man once who seemed to have the Midas Touch. Almost everything he did was successful. This man was a brilliant leader but many of his colleagues felt threatened by him. They didn’t understand the gift this person had been given and hated the fact that he was a better leader than they. Instead of learning from this person, they let the evil sin of comparison control their thinking and the feeling of being threatened overruled them keeping them bound by their own insecurities.
Feeling threatened is a sign of insecurity. But it’s what you do with that feeling that shows your true measure of freedom.
When you’re threatened you have two choices:
1. Dwell on the evil, self-degrading thoughts of comparison and plunge yourself deeper into the pit of insecurity, or
2. Take the focus off yourself and celebrate the differences, beauty, and success of other people, freeing yourself from the heavy chains of insecurity.
God made each one of us special. He gifted each of us according to His perfect will. Until you realize this for yourself, you will always feel threatened by someone. Someone will always be prettier, smarter, and more successful than you, as long as you compare yourself to others. It’s when we put down our measuring stick and realize our own uniqueness that we will truly be able to celebrate the uniqueness of others.
I’m sorry, but there’s a form of insecurity that just gets to me! Actually, I’m not sorry because this form can be so subtle that many people don’t think they are slaves to it.
Apologizing is an important social skill. Knowing how to properly apologize when you have wronged someone is good. But I’m not talking about your normal apologies. I’m talking about the sickening, self-focused, excessive apologizing that latches on to victims of sever insecurity.
Have you ever experienced this with someone? Have you ever been around someone who excessively apologizes for everything? What about a look in the mirror? Do you often find yourself apologizing for meaningless things?
What is the cause of this?
From my study of insecurity in people I’ve come to the conclusion that individuals who unreasonably apologize are looking for validation. They are looking for those who will reply to their apology with phrases like, “Oh, it’s okay.” “You’re fine.” “Don’t worry about it.”
When they can get this kind of response out of people it makes them feel less insecure about who they are or what they are doing. But this is a horrible and short-lived way to gain validation. In fact, I would go so far to say that overly apologizing to gain validation only causes a person to dive deeper into the deadly cycle of insecurity.
It’s time to Quit Apologizing! Find freedom from this form of insecurity by gaining your validation from what Christ says about you, not how others respond to your apologies.
Anytime I meet with someone about overcoming insecurity my number one goal is to get to know them.
I’ll ask tons of questions about where they grew up, what was life like, how they are different now that their older… When I get to know a little bit of who they are I’m better able to encourage, lift up and speak truth into their lives.
But this principal also plays into the journey of overcoming our insecurities.
It is vital that we also know who we are.
To know thyself is to be self-aware. Self-awareness plays a huge part in helping us gain freedom from the insecurities that hold us back.
When you are self-aware, you are aware of:
- Your Strengths
- Your Weaknesses
- Where You Fit and
- How to Improve Yourself
Self-awareness can only be accomplished through knowing yourself. Here are a few suggestions on how to become more self-aware.
- Listen more than you talk
- Ask a trusted friend for insight into how you are perceived or taken (More on this later.)
- Ask God to reveal more of who you are to yourself
I could go on and on about all the ways to become more self-aware, but three things is fine for now. Knowing thyself is the first step in overcoming our insecurities.
Do you know thyself?